From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
