I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
