I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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