Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
