when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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