Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
