proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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