My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
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Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
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So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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