I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
