How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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