Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
