I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
