It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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