seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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