she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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