he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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