So drunk its hurt
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
