My girlfriend figured out who you are.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
