I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Randomize
