Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
