shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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