when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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