Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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