i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize