i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
