At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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