Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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