Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
