I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
