Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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