I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
