Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
