I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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