Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
