Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
