She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
