Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
