the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
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