We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
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she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
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Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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