Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
i think we sleep fucked last night...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
