Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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