Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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