i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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