haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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