Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
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That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
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I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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