did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I think I just shit out all my problems.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
