Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Let's get the cat blown out
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
