Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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