The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
