mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
