i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
