all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
