remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
