RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
