I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We were destined to go to rehab together
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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