in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
