i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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