I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize