and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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