There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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