Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
